It is days like this...

It is days like this, that make me want to throw in the towel. I want to give up. I don't want to me mom anymore. I debated weather to write this post and ultimately decided that it is my life. Someday, I really hope to be able to look back at this time in my life and laugh and wonder why it seemed so hard. I will preface this with this statement, I LOVE MY KIDS. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but I am afraid I am failing one of them as her mom.

I HAVE AN OUT-OF-CONTROL TWO YEAR OLD.

She has a cherub face, and that might be the only reason I let her stay. She is a physical and emotional tornado, and I feel like I am being destroyed by her storm. She is only happy when she is being naughty. If she is not dumping milk on the floor, or using cereal as confetti, or lathering her hair with baby oil, she isn't happy. She walks around all day crying because of non-existent owies. She cries that I won't hold her, and then as soon as I agree to pick her up, she cries because she wants down. She cries because she wants Spaghettio's for lunch and then throws the full bowl onto the carpet as soon as I put it on the table. She cries that Rae won't play with her and when Rae stands up to play, she cries that Rae hit her (which is USUALLY not the case). She cries that she wants to be potty trained, but digs poop out of the toilet to smear on the walls, floor, and anywhere else she can reach. (I still don't know why Rae REFUSES to flush the toilet!)

I have really tried this week to focus on her positive moments. When she is actually doing what she is supposed to do, I make a HUGE deal about it. We clap and sing and dance that Laynee is being so good. Her reaction to praise? She flips out. She throws the biggest tantrum you will ever see. She hates to be praised is the only conclusion I can come to.

I have also tried punishment, in the form of time out and losing privileges. She cries while I hold her in time out, but goes straight back to the behavior that put her there. When asked if she wants to go back to time out, even thirty seconds after leaving it, she will tell me that yes indeed she does want to go back. Losing privileges only forces her to be naughty, because there are no longer any toys to play with or shows to watch.

I have spent more than four hours over the last two days trying to prepare my primary lesson. I still haven't made it past the first paragraph. She can't play nice for more than thirty seconds, and Rae can only take so many beatings before she doesn't want to play anymore (and who can blame her). Even as I type this she has been on and off my lap three times and I have had to stop at least half a dozen times to stop her from doing something naughty.

I have tried redirection, Love and Logic, and trying to figure out her love language. Nothing seems to work. I have always told myself that it is just a phase, that her behavior will get better when she can (fill in the blank here). If I can't teach her to control herself, and how to be a functional person in society, I fail as her mom. We haven't made much progress in the last two years, and I am getting discouraged the future will hold a whole lot more of the same.

If you are still reading this, sorry. If you have any advice, I will gladly try anything at this point...

Funny Girl Rae

Conversation with Rae today:
R: Dad, how old ore you?
J: 32.
A: That's pretty old Rae, isn't it?
R: That's really old! Daddy, are you going to die soon?!?
You should have heard the excitement in her voice as the conversation progressed!

Rae is 4!

This was a birthday week for Rae. It started with a little party with her friends on Friday, a family party on Saturday, her actual birthday on Sunday, celebrating at school on Tuesday, and this Sunday will be her birthday dinner with the Johnsons. Rae's favorite gift by far, is a pair of Hello Kitty shoes she got from Kayla and Alexa. She shows them to everyone, including complete strangers at the grocery store.

Rae at four years old is 34 lbs, 40 inches tall, and my right hand. She is always willing to help me and will almost always do what I ask of her. She loves princesses and weddings. She spends half her day dancing, and tells everyone about her dance class, even though she isn't in a dance class. She loves Sunbeams, her new teachers, and all her new friends in her class. She loves Pink Panther reruns. She loves school. She loves pizza and salad. She loves to be on the go. Rae is our sweet little angel, and we love her!

Preschool for Rae

Rae was so cute on her first day of school, and begs to go back every morning now. She loves school and learning, and probably the social aspect most of all! She also loves Miss Heidi and Miss Sicely!

For journaling purposes, I was so excited for Rae to go to school. Laynee has always been very clingy, and I was hoping some one on one time with her would help her feel more confident. I NEVER could have guess how miserable that first day of school would be for her, or me. For two hours she wailed about Rae. I tried to distract her with soda and cookies, and she wouldn't eat or drink. I tried to distract her with Grandpa, with no luck. We went to Target to distract her, but she cried on. I finally gave up and just came home to let her scream. When Rae came home, you would think that Laynee would have been happy to see her. Not so. Much of the rest of the day was spent with me trying to restrain Laynee from beating the tar out of Rae. It was a rough day, but she has gotten much better as the weeks have progressed.

Laynee is 2!

Laynee's birthday ended up being much more laid back than I had originally planned, but she LOVED it anyways. Rae had a 24 hour bug the day before Laynee's party, so when Grandma McKee offered her house to party at, I jumped at the chance. Laynee enjoyed being the center of attention, and we all loved doting on her.

At two years old, Laynee weighs in at 24.5 lbs, and is 34 inches tall. She is smart, and very sassy. When she sets her sights on something, there is no distracting her until she gets what she wants. She LOVES all sweets, but calls them all cookies. She LOVES shoes, especially if they are not her own. She has just started staying in nursery the whole time, by herself, without crying. She misses Rae like crazy while Rae is at school. She LOVES coming to snuggle with me and have me pretend she is my baby to be rocked and kissed on. She loves to be on the go, and has been known to start crying when we even turn into our complex because she isn't ready to go home. She is our tiny little Laynee bug, and we LOVE her!

Utah Trip (Take 2)

Only a few weeks after returning from our Salt Lake trip, the girls and I headed up to Southern Utah for my cousin's wedding in St. George. The wedding was beautiful, and Rae was fascinated by the ceremony. During the reception that followed, she married every boy that would agree to marry her (and even my cousin's little girl when she couldn't find a boy!). Sadly, I didn't think to bring my camera to the wedding (what is wrong with me?!?). The next day we drove up to Bryan Head ski resort. The girls had a blast just running and exploring. Rae was a huge fan of riding the ski lift, and Laynee may have been a fan if she hadn't been so set on standing up. Instead, she screamed the whole way up the lift and most of the way down too. She finally fell asleep about ten minutes before our "scenic ride" was over. We stayed in Vegas one night on our way home, where we went to Steak & Shake (best chili ever!!). I was pleasantly surprised at how easy the girls are to take on vacation, and can't wait for our next big adventure!

Utah Trip (Take 1)

This summer has been one for fun and vacationing. We were able to take a few days in July to go up and visit with the Johnson/Gurr families in the Salt Lake valley. This little trip could not have come at a better time, as we were all exhausted from moving just a few weeks prior. We stayed a few days with Aunt Lori and her family in Orem. While we were there, my girls were inseparable from her cute little Abbey. We took a day to go swimming at the Linden aquatics center, and another day to go to the Children's Museum in Salt Lake. The last night before we came home, we drove down into the canyon to stay at the Mutual Dell. It was absolutely beautiful! The girls played hard with Wyatt, Cade, and Mason. They enjoyed a taste of freedom, running and exploring everywhere. We thoroughly enjoyed being able to chat with family, and reconnect with many we haven't seen in years.

Easter 2011

This year's Easter was the best one to date. Not only was Rae old enough to understand the Easter Bunny, but she was also old enough to listen to and care about the atonement. She loves listening to stories of Christ, and she really enjoyed the Easter pageant this year. Even though we were in a terrible spot, and could only see if we stood up, she watched most of it, and was even able to tell parts of it to her Sunbeams teacher the next day. I hope for better behavior from Laynee at the pageant next year...

This was the first year that both girls hunted eggs, and they did so good! The Easter bunny put an R on all of Rae's eggs. When they found eggs that belonged to the other one, rather than leave it where they found it, they would pick it up and take it to their sister...and then celebrate it's finding together. It was so cute.

San Diego Zoo

We decided to take a long weekend a few weeks ago and go to San Diego to use our zoo membership one more time before it gets hot there too. It was the best decision ever! The girls were AMAZING the whole drive there and back. Santa brought them a dual screen DVD player for the car for Christmas, and they were so happy to just watch movies the whole six hours there. We stayed in a hotel in La Mesa about 10 minutes from the zoo and were put in room 111. The whole time we were there, and still at least once a day, Rae talks about the One's and how badly she wants to go back. As we would walk down the hall she would say "one one four, one one three, one one two, and here's ours, the ones!" It was seriously so cute!

The next morning we woke up and went to the zoo. We started off by riding the train tour around the whole zoo because we knew there was no way we could ever see everything without it. Our first mistake was sitting on the bottom level of the bus. Rae really wanted to ride on top,and she was a stinker for almost the rest of the day. She whined and refused to look at ANY of the animals, but she stayed in the stroller so we pretty much ignored her. Laynee wasn't about to let a cranky sister ruin the zoo for her. She got more and more excited with every animal she saw. She was so happy, and totally in her element. She has always loved any animal, and it was cute to see her try to say all the new animal names. When we were worn out, we rode the Skyfari back to the front of the zoo to leave. Both girls LOVED it. For the first time since we got to the zoo Rae was smiling and laughing, and Laynee just tried to hang over the edge screaming "whoa" at the top of her lungs. Neither one wanted to leave when Jeff and I were ready, but both were sound asleep in the stroller before we even got to the car.

The next day we got up and went back to the zoo for a few hours. We started off riding the Skyfari back to the back. We saw a few exhibits, rode the Skyfari back to the front, looked at the snake exhibits, and decided to head home. We were so happy to be able to take our first vacation without extended family. It was nice to not worry about toddler tantrums slowing everyone down. It was so nice to be able to take things at our own pace and just enjoy being together. It was so nice even, that Jeff and I were able to laugh through most of those toddler tantrums. I can't wait to go back in October!

Not what it should be...

******DISCLAIMER: LONG JOURNAL POST WITHOUT PICTURES*******

I can't believe it has been four months since I posted. So much has happened since Halloween. Thanksgiving was here at our house, but it was just my mom's family so that was no big deal. Even with all my siblings and their kids, my aunt's family, and my parents and grandma, we still had nowhere near the number of people we have for Jeff's family's Sunday night dinners that we host monthly. My MIL is a SAINT for doing it weekly, because it really is alot of work.

Christmas was SO BUSY! Between parties and sickness we were busy what seemed like every night in December. Luckily, we were all healthy on Christmas. Within about two days we all had the "true flu" though, which WAS NOT how we had planned to spend Jeff's week off work (although it was kinda nice to have him home to help with kids while we were all so sick).

I was really hoping that things would slow down with the holidays behind us, but that has not been the case. It seems like there is always something to prep for, or some family function to attend. As much as I LOVE to be busy, I am ready for a vacation from busy. We gave up Rae's naptime a few months ago, so she is my constant companion and shadow. She was having a hard time going to sleep at night, and no nap has definitely remedied that problem. I am just grateful Laynee still takes a good nap. She has had such anxiety the last few months when I am not an arms length away, that I REALLY relish my moments that she isn't in my arms or screaming to be in my arms. With kids constantly in my grill, it takes me longer to do anything. Cooking, cleaning, but especially blogging are often overwhelming when I decide to try to play catch up. (I only write this now, because I broke to broom trying to kill a bee Rae let in the house. It really dampened my resolve to mop tonight since I can't finish sweeping.) If for some reason you have read this far, look for updates on each of my kiddos in the next week. They are growing up too fast, and I am afraid I am going to forget how fun they can be at this age!